I started 2020 determined that this was the year I was going to hit the ground running. I thought that the groundwork had been laid to start this year off with a bang and only go up from there! The last few years have been a rollercoaster ride but this was going to be the year where all my ducks were finally in a row and I could just focus on my clear, straight path to success. Famous last words, right? "clear"? "straight"?? What path to the arbitrary idea of "success" ever looked like that, first off. Second, it's been more than the last few years that have been a rollercoaster. It's been most of my life. The last few years are just the whirlwind distraction from the years before them. I went back to Vermont for the holidays thinking I would return ready to start the next awesome chapter. Instead, I came back wildly triggered, a big hot mess, and realizing that what I really needed was to revisit some old chapters and finally demand some closure.
I embarked on wobbly feet down my path to healing and self care, but I was still going 500 miles per hour with other projects and money goals and acting business goals and yoga business goals and mommy goals and more. Then, as it often does, the universe provided a little hiccup for me. Last month, I got rear-ended on the highway. What I thought was a slightly shaking event with no real consequences revealed itself to be a whip-lash inducing, trauma triggering wake-up call. I was forced to pursue chiropractic, open a claim, and SLOW THE FUCK DOWN. Now I spend time thrice per week laying on a rolling table with moist heat penetrating my back as I think on everything I'd rather be doing and try to remind myself of my goals of meditation.
Every time I think I'm gonna get to the "next level" in life of achievement, speed, or boss-bitch badassery, the universe reminds me that life is precious, fragile, and the little things matter more. I have begun a journey down a different path, now for 2020.
For 2020, and yes it's taken me until MARCH to get clear on my resolutions, I am taking care of myself no matter what it takes, even when it feels like I can't afford it or I don't have time. In 2020, I am digging deep to DEAL with some things from my past so that I can be FREE in my future. In 2020, I am practicing ACCEPTANCE of the pace of life, of myself and exactly where I am at, of the things I cannot control all around me, and the things that take time. In 2020, I am embracing "freedom from" and "freedom to". I will practice being free from my fear, free from anxiety and depression and free from negative beliefs, anger, bitterness and grudges. I will practice being free to rejoice in the little things, free to love and accept healthy whole love, free to live in the moment with people and free to trust myself and my instincts.
These are my resolutions. They are a bit cerebral but they are very important and necessary, far more necessary than vowing to finish my screenplay, to blog every week, to potty train Cali by a certain time (cause lord knows that girl will do it whenever she's good and damn ready haha). It is difficult when picking such nebulous concepts as my resolutions to find a metric for "success". It is often hard in life to see our own progress.
I was at the chiropractor today and he asked me, "do you feel better?" I started complaining about all of the places that I still hurt. And he responded, "yes, but I'm asking, do you feel any better? Is your pain constant, and has it lessened in intensity?" I answered that it was indeed less although I still felt it almost all of the time. "Ah, so you are better. See, it's my job to point out that you are making progress. You are not 'all better' but you are better!"
Friends, surround yourself with people who do this for you. This is the moral of my day. Find people who can point out your progress, who can remind you that life is a long and winding journey, and progress is not always visible from one day to the next, nor do you have to "make it" to your big goals to appreciate progress along the way. Celebrate being better than you were a week ago. And do what you need to do to be so.
Peace, love and #smilfsauce,
Blaize