Daycare, and when to tell negative self-talk to STFU
Today, Daycare, a short film I wrote, produced, co-directed and, of course, acted in, premiered at the NYLA International Film Festival at The Complex Theater in Santa Monica!! (check it out on my IGTV channel!) I am so humbled and so proud of all of the work that went into creating this, and so honored that someone else saw it and decided it was worthy to be part of this film festival! I couldn't make it to the screening, though, because I'm on set for another film this week!
Ya know the saying, "when it rains it pours"? I think that applies to good things as well. I find so often in life when good things in life start happening, they tend to snowball, too! But it can be easy to get so overwhelmed by the downpour of good that it starts to feel stressful or maybe even negative. I know, for me, it also seems to be that when these "cup runneth over" moments are happening, the voices of doubt and negativity in my head get SO LOUD! My saint of a mother would always tell me as a child "sweetheart you know that is the Devil talking and he is trying to tear you down because he knows you are powerful and that scares him!" But I really do believe that these voices show up to challenge you when you are doing something important, something big.
Daycare is far from a masterpiece, but it is an important message and very close to my heart. It was made with love by three moms with young children and explores topics like mom guilt, post partum mental health, getting therapy and medication when you need it, maintaining a support network and taking care of yourself at a time when your life often revolves around a tiny, helpless human.
Simultaneously as this film is screening and I booked another film and I'm getting new side jobs that I LOVE (dancing and teaching yoga) and taking classes that are challenging me in new ways and growing in my self awareness and Cali is finally making a hint of progress in potty training and and SO MANY good things, the self-doubt, and the nasty little voice that tells me I'm a fraud has crept in to try to steal my sunshine. WTH!
I'm not gonna take it this time. I deserve successes, I have worked hard, I have earned these wins, and I don't need to self-sabotage my moment of pride and celebration to maintain humility or whatever other subconscious, b.s. reason might be causing me to start putting a negative spin on all of this. There are plenty of other reasons in life to struggle and hurt without ruining the moments you should be on that mountaintop!
One of my acting teachers spoke the other day about "imposter syndrome", the self-sabotaging habit of negating every awesome thing you do with the fear that somehow everyone is going to know that you are a fraud, that you don't know what you're doing, that you don't really deserve praise, or that, essentially, you suck. I DEFINITELY struggle with this! I have this confident exterior and this unbreakable optimism and an unwavering fake-it-till-you-make-it strength, but deep down I overanalyze everything and I'm super insecure, especially when things go RIGHT! Can anyone relate?
I do believe that self-awareness and humility are so important for success. And a never-ending search for growth and improvement is what makes you great. But YOU DESERVE TO CELEBRATE YOUR SUCCESSES. So be proud. Be great. Believe that you are great. And then keep working your butt off (just like me back on set today for the next one!) And know that you are not an imposter. Believe people when they say nice things and compliment you. Receive them. This is your right. This is self-love.